To me, healing is being at peace with yourself, with the past, and guarding the present. When I was young, I saw and experienced things that I don’t wish for any child. I saw how being at peace with oneself did not seem a norm, it was survival for the fittest. Just like many South Sudanese children, I knew war, conflicts, brutality, firing squads, yells of soldiers and commanders, and movements from location to location in order to dodge bomb shelling, and spending half of our days in a ditch as hideouts.
“Just like soldiers, you must be ready to vacate your location at any minute, you must be ready to sleep in the mud, and you must be ready to be bitten by any poisonous reptile or animal.”
I watched mothers run to hideouts with food in one hand and covering their head with another, going to school not knowing where the next bomb will fall, watching limbs and bodies of school children, and teachers scattered everywhere because of bombs, leaving home to play with other children not knowing whether the people you left home would be alive, killed, captured or arrested, being familiar with sounds of different gunshots and I could tell how a PKM, AK-47, RPG or a Kalashnikov sounded and which of them takes more lives at a go, awaiting news to vacate or be ready to take cover through coded radio calls or messages. For almost my entire childhood, being in a peaceful environment was an illusion and unheard of. Just like soldiers, you must be ready to vacate your location at any minute, you must be ready to sleep in the mud, and you must be ready to be bitten by any poisonous reptile or animal.
I saw soldiers wearing the same uniform for months until the color changed, dressing the wounds of fellow soldiers injured on war fronts or cut by bomb propellers, eating boiled grains for years, and drinking any water they could find. They were a sour sight yet the bravest set of humans, to say the least.
With all that struggle, I have never for once seen any of my parents take time off to just breathe, or sleep under the tree to rest and allow their bodies to sync with their minds. Mom’s concern was to utilize any moment she gets to cook food not just for a day but for days, just in case an Antonov hovers for hours we would have something to eat. Dad’s concern was to ensure that our hideout (like a bunker) was as invincible and protective as possible while he awaits to lead the soldiers to a zone where they could fight the enemy. This was the norm for my childhood.
Even now in my twenties, I barely see any of my parents or their peers understand what trauma healing or taking time off their usual ways of life meant. Just by looking at most of our parents who endured a lot, you can see exhaustion, pain, and unresolved grievances that have accumulated into diseases. The impact of such grievances passes on to children or to the environment directly and indirectly. With the fresh memories of my childhood and current society, I refuse to carry these norms.
I am intentionally unlearning a lot of things which for sure has affected me on so many levels and ways. I am intentional about healing from these traumatic experiences as a child, I am letting go of the bitterness that my childhood experiences instilled in me, I am letting go of the horrific scenes that kept hovering in my mind for years, and I have accepted the past and willing to move forward. I am breaking the circle of trauma, I am listening to my body when it says ENOUGH, I am listening to my soul when it encounters anything that doesn’t feed it right, and I am listening to my brain when it does not accept and conform with the societal norms that are questionable. Healing allows you a deep peace that gives you genuine happiness, when you are happy you have a clear mind to think be it in making decisions that have an impact on yourself or your surroundings.
As a generation, our grandparents experienced wars and grievances, and our parents did the same, we too are experiencing conflicts and grievances every day. These piles of generational grievances are robbing us of an important aspect of human life-TIME TO HEAL and move forward. I believe healing comes from radical mindsets especially when society has not normalized it. How do I preach peace or do good when I am engraved with revengeful thoughts and bad deeds?
Healing must be personal and intentional and we must be serious about it in order to have a different course in life. Let us heal for our parents and the next generations of children!
What are you doing to heal from your grievances?
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