Some or Many of us can relate with phrases from mother’s like “I am doing this because of my children” I am staying in this marriage because of you (children). Many parents especially women have tolerated and stayed in toxic marriages because of children. In toxic marriages, women experience despicable violence that are both physical and psychological. Staying in toxic marriages have had huge impacts on the wellbeing of children, when they grow up, they only realize that one of their parents have been undergoing a lot of violence and decided to stay in the marriage because of them and what a life time of guilt one feels!!!. Not only that, before children grow, the violence that their mother experienced have been channelled to them indirectly (psychologically). You can clearly ask yourself why would she remain in a marriage that does not honour and appreciate her as human, some of these reasons include;
1. Fear to lose custody of the children; There is no nightmare to a mother than losing her children when she decides to walk out of the marriage regardless of the level of toxicity. There is a lady who got married and the husband sent her abroad. He barely kept in touch or even ask how she is keeping up with life in another country without financial support for both herself and her child was a nightmare. She found herself mentally slaved in something that she thought would be a happy marriage yet feels nothing like it. It gets worst when a time to visit her family members came usually towards the end of the year when her husband would tell her to leave the child behind if she wants to ‘Roam’ around.
In this scenario, the lady knows she cannot leave her little child and just return to the country, because she thought that would be the last time she sets eyes on him. Which means he knows the marriage is not worth staying at that’s why the only way to say no or hold her captive is by asking her to leave the child if she decides to go, a decision he well knows she can never do.
2. Harmful Cultural reasons; In some societies, Mothers have no right to leave their husband or marriages especially when children are involved. It becomes worst when the only family you call yours cannot intervene in this situation because it is “culturally not correct for in-laws to intervene”, they say. In some cases, in these toxic marriages, for instance when the husband passes on, the woman is given to the immediate brother or relative of the deceased. Which means ones you are married you are married for life regardless of how much violence your body and mind tolerates, you just cannot leave.
3. Fear of what the society would think; This perspective has unbelievably kept parents in toxic marriages, this could be because many do fake happiness in their marriages and want the world to know how great they are with their children when realistically they are dying behind the curtain. “How will the society see me if I leave my children?” Well, mom or sister or aunty the society has never intervened when you needed them so why do you need them now that you want to leave? after all the decision is yours and yours alone because it’s you experiencing the nightmares of the marriages not the society!
It is one thing to stay in a marriage because of children and is another staying in a toxic one because of children, the reality is that most children wished they never experienced or saw what their mothers went through because that childhood experience have impacted their lives including their romantic relationships. These can be avoided if each human is treated like human and above all when domestic laws are introduced and respected vis-a-vis cultural beliefs.
In fact, you will do an absolute honour to yourself if you leave that toxic marriage for the sake of your child/children! Your children will be mad because you left them, but when you explain what you went through, they will understand and appreciate your decision!
Thank you Paska.
Our society is has transitioned from being linient to women to being abusive. To this I agree that living in a toxic relationship drains women in all aspects and must be stopped.
However, it would be nice if you recommend what steps both men and women can take in case of an abusive relationship. Sometimes, men equally suffer from emotional abuse in marriages since women are more territorial especially when it comes to what men can or cannot do.
I would love your argument to include recommendations on how to break barriers that influence behaviour towards violence against women in all forms.
In my view, people can never be equal if women are comfortable with men having their little resources handed over to their families in form of bride price. That price aspect degrades a woman and any argument that you have a counter view makes you defiant.
We can all change when we embrace equal responsibility and not only argue but work together especially in efforts to come together.
I appreciate this blog post.
#Oneofgoodguys
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